Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
