I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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