I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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