I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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