He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
