just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
