just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
