Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
