Pass out mid-funnel last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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