I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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