I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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