I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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