genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
