I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
