I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
