it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
