you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
