What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
