You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If I die, sorry about rent.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
