i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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