It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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