No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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