One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
