I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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