In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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