Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
