I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
