Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
