I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
