If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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