What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
