omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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