I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
And then he peed in my hair
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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