If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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