i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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