mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
