O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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