she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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