I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
