I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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