apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
