1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
