I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
