just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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