Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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