What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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