we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
