we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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