it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
