Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
