There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
