The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
