i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
