The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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