why didn't you poke me back
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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