I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
