When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
