I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
