dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
