Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
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And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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