I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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