Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
