I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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