You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
